How to NOT be Successful
The term “flop” is something most of us J-Pop listeners are more than familiar with, but to those few how have yet to dive deeper into the ~drama~ that is the Oricon Charts, let Saori@destiny, flop in it’s human form define it for you:
Any artist come to your mind almost immediately? If so, then they are most likely a big fat flop.
So to continue flourishing this marvelous trend of “flopping”, I’ve compiled a list of various rules and tips to help raise the “flop artists” population by nearly 823%(or copies sold if your saori@flop).
As the Queen of Slutty music is guilty of committing as of only yesterday, she(or avex) dared to challenge the flawless, naturally beautiful and totally not stuck in a ballad cycle, Hamasaki Ayumi by releasing her single the same day. Whether she actually thinks she had a chance against Ayu or if avex wanted to remind her that after her little “incident” that she won’t be the #1 figure that she was before, which brings us to our next topic…
On February 1, 2008 Kuu ~shocked~ Japan by saying that women should have children early because at around the age of 35, their amniotic fluid goes “bad”. Now a statement like this is ESSENTIAL in ruining any successful you may have built up and does a great job of immediately shutting down all promotions for your recently released album.
The Japanese LOVE their cellphones, so making a song involving anything similar to or even an ACTUAL cellphone is just calling for attention and a possible increase in sales. Just ask Nishino Kana and her jump to fame with her 600k+ sales(all the while her album from a year ago is still charting). Also avoid using the “Pop-R&B” formula that artists like Kana, BENI and JASMINE are known for since they tend to be quite popular.
As Kuu has shown us multiple times before, teaming up with your much less successful younger sister and releasing a single is a great idea in the long run. Sure, you may get #1 on the Oricon charts, but the amount of respect you will lose from you fans for teaming up with such a huge amount of flop will pay up in the long run as your fans decide to stop buying your music in fear of being judged by others.
If you suffer from huge fame from 5+ years ago and are looking to be completely forgotten, the masterminds behind Morning Musume have come up with the perfect formula. Make sure that all of your a-sides use the exact same instrumental and DO NOT stop doing that until you see your rival artist start to quadruple your sales. If your still not sure, get rid of ANYTHING that makes you interesting. If your Ayu, get rid of the fish lips and bug eyes, if your Kuu get rid of your sex songs, JunLin+Eri if your Momusu, etc…
If all else fails and you don’t see yourself releasing “rental” albums and charting at the #250 position and under with less than 800 copies sold, than your last hope is to become Saori@destiny.